With Jane’s “rocky” beginning, we quickly developed a perspective that most parents never gain. With almost losing her life to physical and mental set backs, we were overjoyed at every sign that our baby was getting “bigger”. Her development meant she was healthy and we could honestly not wait to see her go from a helpless newborn to a powerful woman with a big story to tell. While some may dread their child getting older, we were relieved at the prospect.
But slowly, something has crept in on me that I swore I would never fall prey to. At least not with Jane. Maybe with our next child, but certainly not her.
See, while I had every reason to savor the moment, to never miss a minute, just like the rest of you readers, time has blown past me. It has happened slowly, subtly, sneakily and suddenly.
I’m watching soft curled up legs become strong knobby knees and lengthy calves. Soft sleepy eyes become sparkling curious examiners. Cries have become bubbles and babbles and screams! Sleepy submissive infant has become inquisitive busy baby.
Before I had a chance to know what had taken over, everyday we discover, “She holds her head up!” “That was a new sound.” “Welp, that shirt doesn’t fit anymore!” “She seems so much… taller”.
Even still we can’t wait for milestones to be met. For the first crawl to happen. For hand eye coordination to exceed neurologist and MD’s expectations. We want her to grow, NEED her to grow. Want her to thrive! See her become! She almost wasn’t so all we could ask is that she sprouts!
With that in mind, how could I feel so… SAD??
Jane is doing well, she is growing like we had hoped, but the hard truth lies in this fact, you never get it back.
There will never be another day like this one with Jane. Whether it be out of hunger, discomfort or anger, she will never cry that tear again. That is one less diaper in her repertoire of changes. One less innocent enthralled gaze that she will offer our eyes. That goofy smile is the last of it’s kind. Her lips will never curl up or down in that exact way every again.
The truth is that we want her to grow, sprout, blossom and become, but the fact is that it happens fast. So instead of watchfully waiting for the growth, I’ve decided to savor the now. Instead of fussing over what we’ve yet to see, toiling in prayer and petition, I’m trusting that as we give thanks for the now, God will bring the growth.
As we savor our girl, her hands, her breath, her hair and smile, He will see that she makes it to tomorrow.
So when the diplomas and cars and wedding gowns and true signs of growth appear, I will no doubt be grateful that our Jane has become who we always hoped. But grateful even more so that I never missed a moment.
He said focus on today after all, for tomorrow has its own worries. So today I enjoy my baby, because she still is one, and you don’t ever get that back. <3